So the other day its all a blur as to when I had a pain in my abdomen. I walked to the hospital because i didnt think it was serious. It was. I had to have an emergency appendectomy. In some ways I guess its the much needed vacation that God wanted me to take. So I might be quiet for awhile, or might not. I hope my energy perks up here soon. But if it doesn’t I will post here if I am ok or not.
I think i will be fine in a few days.
It feels better to be alone, and unloved than to be abusived,unloved and smothered. Smothering is not a replacement for love. Abuse is not a replacement for anything.
I am at peace in the midst of letting go, and moving on. After months of trying to cut the strings Ive put some miles between me and A and it feels good even though I am alone.
6 months can be forever. I need to go, but i am afraid to be all alone again. The decision is so easy yet so hard. Abusive relationships are like cancer, the fear, the violence, the pain. Hoping it ends soon.
Sometimes people are only supposed to be in your life for a moment then they fade away into the painting. You can give them the world but if they reject you and desire to struggle on their own you have to let them go. If they come back to you you know it’s love but if they drift away it was never meant to be. I’ve seen that in a lot of friendships lately. Sometimes the best thing to do is to let them go away. Time will tell the story of what they are supposed to be.
The waves here are bringing in a changing of the seasons, and with that changing of my mood. I’m in a deeper place lately. A more reflective analytical place that makes me want to keep plugging along with consistency knowing that I’m on the right path and I’m doing the right thing. Calm comes from within not without. Peace comes from within not from outside my heart.
And tomorrow never comes, and today never ends.
There’s an itch in me. I see it more and more every day. I love to help people. But I need a scratch back now and then. Not all the time. Just now and then. Ultimately I think creating something that helps people overcome the fear of success is what I need to do. I need more structure in my helping other folks. Whether that’s an organization or whatever I don’t know maybe a collective of folks who are willing to help break the chains of crap that have held this country down for so damn long. Pardon my french. The amazing thing about this country is the people, the culture and the way of life. Oh and the food. The things I hate about this country sometimes are the same things. Don’t ask its’ complicated.
I’ve decided the best way to make change isn’t to just loan money to people who are struggling but to provide them resources to succeed. Let’s say someone has the dream of starting a business. I have a lot of experience atleast in the online world of starting successful microbusinesses. Microbusiness ventures in my opinion are low risk, high reward possibilities that can really change a country like Mexico. Let’s look at the resources that could be tapped to help a microbusiness get started in Mexico.
Kiva, is a great place to start.
Bill Clinton thinks so:
And so do I.
So I venture out on a personal project one that is easily the most personal I’ve ever been apart of. It’s not about making money online, its about making change in the world. In the next few days I will share more about this project I believe will keep my social desire to help in a safer portion of my world.
I’m drifting. Drifting into depression. I tried to be optimistic and think it wasnt. Much of it is because of my lack of friends. I’ve seen 3/4% of my online friends drift away like the wind the last few months, seen real world friends dwindle to non existence and I feel as though I’m here alone and on average day only one person will answer a personal email from me.
I’m not sure how I got this far down this path, and I’m not sure how I’m supposed to crawl out of it. I have lots of people in my life, but very few ‘friends’. Tonight I need a hug, a smile, someone to share a joke with me, to do something nice for me in the real world. To not have to get my only interaction from the internet yet here I am. Working, listening to music, unsure of how to fix this, unsure of my next move. Only certain that if this is where I’m supposed to be that I’m strong enough to bear the burdens and continue on with this journey.
I’m sure this is a test of my spirit and that I will come through the other side and laugh. I feel cornered by own emotions, my own sense of obligation, and yet I’m hoping something changes soon for the better.
Update: I’m feeling better. Two friendly suprises were an answer to prayer on a rough evening.