Category Archives: Diary
This year so far I’ve focused more on getting healthy than any year of my life. The core essential building block so far has been Protein Shakes, and lot of them.
Running: I’m hitting the jogging pretty hard this year. Harder than ever well atleast since I was 18. I’ve been clocking 10-15 miles a week since January.
Lifting: Starting to life moderately with goals to increase by summer.
Eating: I’ve increased my calorie intake in order to gain weight. I’m shooting for 175 by this summer which would be a 25 lb increase.
It’s been over 2 months. I’m finally through processing I believe. I feel like I can wake up again. I feel like I have said my goodbyes. Made my peace. The nightmares have faded, the dreams subsided. I no longer cry when a song comes on the radio. I no longer am afraid to dance. No longer afraid what will happen if I care about someone again.
Life is not about the I could have’s, or the I should have’s.
Life is about Trying. Failing, and Trying Again.
Honestly I’m not ready to let her go, but it’s the only way to move on with my life. To move forward. She is apart of me now. More than any women in my life up until now.
I firmly believe she’s the only woman who has ever truly loved me unconditionally. Never cared about money, never cared about what we thought of each other. Never afraid to be honest. Never afraid to reveal our imperfections.
Now I realize why she was in my life. To show me that I’m lovable. That I can be loved, that I deserve love. I just need to open up again. To not run and hide the beauty that is in my soul.
She taught me how to dance, and she taught me how to love again. Not just others, but truly love myself. For that I will always be grateful.
Life is truly a journey. One I wish she would have been around to see where I go next, to dance with me, to be apart of the adventure. She always will be within my soul, in my heart, and in the quiet paths when I’m alone dancing with me all over again.
I have been seeing a therapist for a few weeks. I’m not the kind of person to ever admit weakness in seeing a therapist. I’m going to share a part of my therapy that touched on spirituality. One of my recent struggles has been a spiritual one. I couldn’t save the life of someone I really cared about. I barely could save my life. In the end looking back, examining all the events I realized this person saved my life. Not only in that moment, but also for today. But in doing so she really lost her life. And may be lost for all eternity.
Im hoping in the heart of my hearts that it might not be so. I never once shared the message of hope, of the life of Jesus, nor of his love. Maybe she saw it in my life. Maybe she didn’t. But I failed to share the message, and it was her who saved my life. Not the other way around. Every day I walk around haunted not only by the guilt of surviving, but of wanting to trade places with her. Of wanting to give her another chance to accept the love, and grace of the Creator of this universe. Instead I’m left behind, and it’s not for me to question God about her soul, but what I’ve been taught to believe about God tells me she will go to hell. But in my heart I’d trade places with her in a heartbeat just for giving me a second chance at a life I’ve often screwed up. I’d go to hell to give her a chance to understand the love of God, the one I know will grant me grace at the end of my life even though I really don’t deserve it.
As a boy I read a book that inspired me. The Island, by Gary Paulsen. . As a boy I read many a book by Gary Paulsen. They helped me dream. As we grow older we tend to let life, and daily living overtake our goals, aspirations, and dreams and replace them with mediocrity. One thing I’ve had to deal with lately is a severe tragedy in my world. It has continually forced me to reevaluate my life,my goals, and my dreams.
I want to get a book published in the next 5 years.
I want to run the Iditarod in the next 5 years.
I realize now that as adults we tend to give up on dreaming. But now in my life is the time I enjoy dreaming the most. Enjoy reaching for dreams, goals, and aspirations.
I’m a web guy who is on a course that is not so webby. I’m ok with that. It makes me happy. It makes me feel like a kid again. Believing and reaching for dreams, like walking with God all over again…
There’s a lot that can to be said right now. I’m not ready to share most of it. What I can share is that life is precious. Life is a treasure, a thing we should all cherish. To often in my life I have taken it for granted. I have taken for granted my skills. Often using them merely to make money, or to profit, or for greed. I have often not been the human I should be.
On the other hand I have often been a good person, a great person, and an amazing thinker. All of that is worthless when you are facing death in the eye and God gives you another chance, another opportunity. An opportunity that was not granted a dear friend of mine. Our lives intertwined for what now seems like an eternity, and in a moment they were gone. Hers torn from this universe, separated from the things that surround us day in and day out. I left feeling guilty that there was not more I could do to save her.
These events have left me feeling traumatized, saddened, angry, and yet grateful for the life that I have that I shouldn’t have. The one that was regifted to me.
In the crashing aftermath I wonder why it was her that lost her life, and not me. I wonder why there isnt justice in this world. I wonder if each and every day I will think about that day that changed my universe, my outlook on life. I wonder if I will ever get back to normalcy. For the time being I am finding people and tranquility in the simple things, I am taking joy in the simplicity of the world that surrounds us.
I have moved on from Baja California, Tijuana, and San Diego to a place I used to call home. Montana. I am grateful for each and every day that I am alive. I am grateful for my friends, and the relationships I have and for the experiences I have, for the places I have been.
Now I chart a difference course. I see myself in a new light. I see a new path on the horizon. A healthier path, a simpler path. I have seen death looming, and God spared me from it. Maybe just for today, but if its for today I am grateful.
May He also give me the grace to live each day a humble servant of Love. May he guard and protect those He loves. May justice rain down on those who harm the innocent. May He forgive me for all the things that I have done to fall short of love towards mankind and towards Him.
My world’s turned upside down and I’m in a muddle:
I’m afraid to do anything, terrified of people!
It’s a comfort to get back to the office:
but my work is suffering, I can’t do what I want.
Where am I going to go:
where shall I find the vision I need?
I need to find myself again:
the real me, the person inside me, the one I’ve forgotten.
The mystery behind the eyes of the other person:
it’s the same wonder as the mystery of God.
Then maybe other people can help me be me:
your presence enable me see value in myself?
You have said that I needn’t be afraid:
I trust in you to help, remove my terror -
you are my true salvation, my lasting joy:
I trust you to remove my fear and be my strength.
So the other day its all a blur as to when I had a pain in my abdomen. I walked to the hospital because i didnt think it was serious. It was. I had to have an emergency appendectomy. In some ways I guess its the much needed vacation that God wanted me to take. So I might be quiet for awhile, or might not. I hope my energy perks up here soon. But if it doesn’t I will post here if I am ok or not.
I think i will be fine in a few days.
It feels better to be alone, and unloved than to be abusived,unloved and smothered. Smothering is not a replacement for love. Abuse is not a replacement for anything.
I am at peace in the midst of letting go, and moving on. After months of trying to cut the strings Ive put some miles between me and A and it feels good even though I am alone.
6 months can be forever. I need to go, but i am afraid to be all alone again. The decision is so easy yet so hard. Abusive relationships are like cancer, the fear, the violence, the pain. Hoping it ends soon.