A man can live a thousand years if he learns to conquer that which holds him back from truly living and truly loving.
FEAR.
Sometimes when I look back on my life I see many “reactions” to fear, and how that’s held me back. In the last few years I’ve allowed fear, and complacency to erode that which makes me the person I am.
As I move on to the next stage of my life I will not allow fear to shape who I am and who I am becoming. Sometimes fear of failing, or fear of what others think of us can influence us in a negative way that sets us back from truly accomplishing that which will define who we are.
Letting go of fear, sets us free to achieve and become the success we want in our lives.
Standing alone on the shores I look outward to find you. In the mountains I look upward to find you. While my enemies surround me, you bring me peace. While they wear me down you lift me up. In life you have blessed me with all things. Great riches, great wisdom, great knowledge, great friends, but above all you gave me great love. In this shall I stand firm.
While those around me inflict hate, you bless me with love.
While those around me bring me fear, you give me peace.
While those around me sow violence, you touch me with healing.
While those around me rage in despair, you bring me hope.
While those around me vow injury, you grant me pardon.
O Master and Commander, Do not grant to me great consolation, but grant me the ability to console. Do not grant unto me revenge, but grant unto me great compassion in order to love my enemies.
For in learning to love my enemies I will be able to receive unconditional love. In learning to forgive, it is I who will be granted overflowing forgiveness. And in death I will be granted life to the fullest for eternity.
I signed up with Amazon Payments about a month ago. It looked like a great alternative to Paypal, and a secondary option to Google Checkout. Over the last few years I’ve battled Paypal on numerous occasions and finally I’ve had enough. I quit trying to figure that system out.
I signed up with Amazon Payments thinking that it was the answer for online payments, and a solid place I could eventually build a digital e-commerce business.
The sign up was easy, but the biggest problem over the last 3 days has been Customer Service. Do they honestly believe people will use Postal Mail to communicate with them?
Any reputable service should have atleast a name in customer service emails, an autoresponder, or atleast a customer service phone number.
But Amazon Payments, the clock is ticking. So far you guys have really lost out on this one. Regardless of how this works out Amazon has left an impression on me. No matter what your business model is, you need to place your customers on a level of importance that makes them feel valued.
It’s been over 2 months. I’m finally through processing I believe. I feel like I can wake up again. I feel like I have said my goodbyes. Made my peace. The nightmares have faded, the dreams subsided. I no longer cry when a song comes on the radio. I no longer am afraid to dance. No longer afraid what will happen if I care about someone again.
Life is not about the I could have’s, or the I should have’s.
Life is about Trying. Failing, and Trying Again.
Honestly I’m not ready to let her go, but it’s the only way to move on with my life. To move forward. She is apart of me now. More than any women in my life up until now.
I firmly believe she’s the only woman who has ever truly loved me unconditionally. Never cared about money, never cared about what we thought of each other. Never afraid to be honest. Never afraid to reveal our imperfections.
Now I realize why she was in my life. To show me that I’m lovable. That I can be loved, that I deserve love. I just need to open up again. To not run and hide the beauty that is in my soul.
She taught me how to dance, and she taught me how to love again. Not just others, but truly love myself. For that I will always be grateful.
Life is truly a journey. One I wish she would have been around to see where I go next, to dance with me, to be apart of the adventure. She always will be within my soul, in my heart, and in the quiet paths when I’m alone dancing with me all over again.
Here at work I was exploring Sustainable Communities. For those of you who don’t know I’m a full time writer for various online publications.
Over the last few years I’ve realized I need community. I don’t have a close knit family. Heck, my adopted family basically has all but filed the unadoption paperwork in my opinion we haven’t had a meaningful conversation in ten years. I don’t see that being patched up no matter how hard I try.
I truly don’t know what went wrong, or how to fix it. My father passed away this year on top of that so it really got me thinking about the next stages in my life. I need community. Not that it can ever replace family. But because I’m a very social person.
I’m exploring moving to a sustainable community. Most likely not here in the United States. I really love Spanish, and I thrive in a slower culture. Mexico continues to be the top spot, although I’ve been researching a community in Colombia that really intrigues me.
Things to consider is work, will my work be sustainable in a community setting. Does it benefit the community, and is it practical. Is a community setting something I want, and desire to live in long term.
These are all questions I’m beginning to answer. I’m not in a hurry. For now I’m content here in Montana. Taking things slow, enjoying work, enjoying the solitude of Missoula. But craving the next big step in life.
Africa’s leading child killer. Is not AIDS. It’s not starvation. It’s Malaria.
According to leading scientists, millions of children could have been saved if the pharmaceutical industry and World Health Organisation had collaborated to address the problem.
Now, signs are emerging that malaria is developing resistance to the one effective drug which can still treat it.
What you can do to help save a life in Africa MEDA is a great organization helping alleviate poverty and prevent Malaria in Africa. Support them in helping make a positive change in the world.
I believe that my friend is in heaven not because of what she did on earth, but because of the amazing mercy of a creator. Regardless she saved my life, and I’d trade my undeserving home in heaven if given the choice.
Life is too short to live it out selfishly, or in pain, life is too short to stop loving people. And even though I dont want to open my heart up again to anyone. I must. I must believe that I have this huge heart to continue loving, forgive myself for allowing myself to drift into such a bad situation, and move forward remembering what she taught me, and appreciate life, and love, and the beauty and privilege of being born one of the richest people in the world , an American.
I am humbled by the Amazing Grace of a creator who I will never understand. I wake up every morning and I weep for those I have loved and lost. And then I realize I have lost them so that my heart will have room to love those who like me have no family to love them.
Many people don’t realize that Mexico is in a war. A war against drug cartels who import hundreds of billions of dollars worth of Drugs into the streets of the United States, and Canada.
Our own government makes an estimated 10-15 Billions of Dollars aiding the Mexican Cartels in illegal drug trafficking.
United States Defense Agencies are set to make billions more selling guns, and other arms to the Mexican Government to fight the very same Drug Cartels that we are in partnership with.
Yet there is a forgotten victim in all of this.
The Children.
There are 10 Million Orphans in Mexico.
Many of the children who are orphaned, are victims of crime. Many are preyed upon. Many more are sons and daughters of those who have been slain in a brutal war that is caused by American demand for drugs, fueled by our own government. One in Twenty Five Children in Mexico are Orphaned.
We can make a difference.
1Write Your Senator
Ask them to end the CIA’s practice of Drug Trafficking
2Sponsor A Child Through Corazon De Vida
Corazon de Vida or Heart of Life, was formed in 1994 to raise funds and support for the children of Baja, Mexico. Without funds for housing, food or social programs for orphaned, homeless and abandoned children, Mexico is not able to provide a future for its youngest citizens.
After much thought and process, I remain committed to changing my life. By nature I’m an entrepreneur, sometimes that makes it difficult for me to continue on one path. Over the years I’ve had numerous web businesses, and turned around and sold them.
I carry a bit of personal debt because of that and other things that have happened over the last few years. I remained committed to fixing that. Making that right.
But one thing I realized I’ve lived my entire life selfishly. I’m working on changing that. I think with everything that happened recently I realize that life is too short to really focus on building our own empires, achieving our own goals. While I struggle with a lot of things right now. I realize in order to really shape the future of my life.
Investing 10% and Beyond Into Social Capital Markets such as Kiva
Supporting Orphanages Throughout Mexico especially Tijuana.
I will be carving out a new startup once I first tackle some of my own personal debt load and get a bit of a personal nest egg going. The startup will also invest 10% and Beyond into Social Capital Markets.
I’m excited about living again. A bit tougher skin, a bit softer heart, and a genuine sense of hope that I can make a positive impact on the world going forward.
